Dr. David Buss, a leading figure in evolutionary psychology, focuses on understanding human strategies for selecting and keeping romantic partners. His research covers sex differences in mating strategies, courtship deception, and emotions related to love and relationships. He also investigates mate poaching and the influence of biological factors on mate selection. Dr. Buss's work delves into the darker aspects of mating and sexual behavior, providing valuable insights into healthy relationships. His latest book, "When Men Behave Badly," explores sexual deception, harassment, and assault, offering strategies for healthy mating behavior. This discussion is valuable for individuals in existing or future relationships.
Introducing Dr. David Buss
Dr. David Buss, a leading figure in evolutionary psychology, focuses on understanding human strategies for selecting and keeping romantic partners. His research covers sex differences in mating strategies, courtship deception, and emotions related to love and relationships. He also investigates mate poaching and the influence of biological factors on mate selection. Dr. Buss's work delves into the darker aspects of mating and sexual behavior, providing valuable insights into healthy relationships. His latest book, "When Men Behave Badly," explores sexual deception, harassment, and assault, offering strategies for healthy mating behavior. This discussion is valuable for individuals in existing or future relationships.
Choosing a Mate
Choosing a mate involves two main causal pathways: intrasexual competition and preferential mate choice. Intrasexual competition refers to individuals of the same sex competing for status and position. Preferential mate choice occurs when there is consensus among one sex about desired qualities in a mate. Both pathways are related, as mate preferences set the ground rules for competition. Humans also have mutual mate choice, where both men and women have preferences and compete for access to desirable partners. The video does not mention specific qualities desired by men and women.
Long Term Mates: Universal Desires
Long-term mating is rare in the mammalian world, with only about 3-5% of mammal species having a pair bond or long-term mating strategy. Humans, however, have evolved long-term pair bonding, attachment, and male investment in offspring.
In a study of 37 different cultures, qualities desired in a long-term mate were found to fall into three clusters: qualities desired by both men and women, qualities preferred more by women or men, and attributes that varied across cultures in desirability.
Some universal desires across cultures include intelligence, kindness, mutual attraction, and love.
Women prioritize good earning capacity, slightly older age, and qualities associated with resource acquisition in their long-term partners.
What Women & Men Seek in Long-Term Mates
Women & Men Seek in Long-Term Mates:
- Women prioritize qualities in long-term mates that indicate their ability to provide resources and protection, such as social status and financial stability.
- Men prioritize physical attractiveness in long-term mates, as it provides cues to a woman's fertility and reproductive value.
- Women engage in mate choice copying, being more attracted to men who have been pre-approved by multiple women.
- Men are attracted to cues of youth and health in women, such as clear skin, clear eyes, symmetrical features, a low waist to hip ratio, full lips, and lustrous hair.
- Women pay attention to a man's attention structure, indicating high status, and consider qualities such as hard work, ambition, clear goals, and professional development.
- Men prioritize physical appearance, focusing on qualities associated with youth and health.
- Women use multiple cues to assess qualities in potential mates, and these preferences may change over time in the modern environment.
Age Differences & Mating History
Men generally prefer women who are about three to four years younger than them, while women prefer men who are about three and a half to four and a half years older than them. However, as men get older, their preference for younger women increases. The average age gap at first marriage is three years, but it increases to five years at second marriage and eight years at third marriage. Preferences also change with age, with older men preferring women who are in their late 20s to early 30s or even 35 to 38. The reason why older men don't exclusively prioritize 25-year-old women, despite their peak fertility, is because mate choice is a reciprocal and mutual phenomenon, and factors such as compatibility and shared activities also play a role in long-term relationships.
- Men generally prefer women who are 3-4 years younger, while women prefer men who are 3.5-4.5 years older.
- As men get older, their preference for younger women increases.
- Average age gap at first marriage is 3 years, but increases to 5 years at second marriage and 8 years at third marriage.
- Older men prefer women in their late 20s to early 30s or even 35-38.
- Mate choice is influenced by factors such as compatibility and shared activities, not just fertility.
Deception in Courtship
Deception in courtship, particularly in online dating, is a common phenomenon. Both men and women engage in deceptive practices to attract potential partners. Men tend to lie about their income and height, while women deceive about their weight. Both sexes also use misleading photos. However, physical cues and interactions are crucial in accurately assessing a potential partner. Meeting in person allows for a more accurate assessment of a person's qualities.
Emotional Stability
- Emotional stability is crucial for long-term relationships
- Assessing emotional stability can be done by observing how individuals cope with unfamiliar and stressful situations during a trip together
- Emotionally unstable people take longer to recover from stressful events
- Assessing emotional stability requires time and cannot be done on a coffee date
- Developing self-regulatory mechanisms is important for managing stress and avoiding deception.
Lying About Long-Term Interest
Deception in mate selection, specifically lying about long-term commitment versus short-term hookups, has been a common practice throughout human evolutionary history. Men often use tactics such as exaggerating their feelings, similarities, and values to attract a long-term partner. However, these tactics are ineffective for short-term hookups. With the advent of modern internet dating, deception has become easier, with tactics like photoshopping being more prevalent. In the past, personal observations and social reputation played a crucial role in mate selection, but in the modern environment, factors like migration and online profiles have increased opportunities for deception about long-term romantic interest.
Short-Term Mating Criteria, Sliding Standards & Context Effects
In terms of sexual partner choice, men and women prioritize different qualities. Here are the key points:
- Physical appearance is important for both men and women, but it becomes more important for women in short-term mating.
- Men are willing to lower their standards in short-term mating, while women are more attracted to "bad boy" qualities such as self-confidence, arrogance, and risk-taking.
- In long-term mating, women prioritize qualities of a good father.
- Women use mate-copying as a heuristic, finding a man more attractive if other women find him attractive.
- Women's attraction to men is more context-specific and varies across different situations.
- Men's attraction to women is less influenced by context.
- Women's mate attraction depends on factors such as a man's status, the attention he receives, and how he interacts with others.
- Men focus more on specific psychophysical cues displayed by women and are less affected by context.
Sexual Infidelity: Variety Seeking & (Un)happiness & Mate Switching
Infidelity is a common but secretive behavior among humans, with estimates ranging from 26% of married women to 50% of men. Men primarily cheat for sexual variety, while women cheat if they are unhappy in their primary relationship. Men who are happy in their marriage are just as likely to cheat as unhappy men. Women face more risks when cheating, such as the potential loss of their long-term mate and reputational damage. The speaker challenges the dual mating strategy hypothesis and proposes the mate switching hypothesis, suggesting that women engage in affairs to leave their current partner for a more compatible or higher-value mate, test their desirability in the mating market, or keep a backup mate. Evidence suggests that women who have affairs often develop deep emotional connections with their affair partners, aligning with the idea of mate switching rather than seeking good genes.
Genetic Cuckolds, How Ovulation Impacts Mate Preference
Genetic cuckoldry, named after the cuckoo bird, refers to when a man unknowingly raises a child that is not biologically his own. Studies initially suggested that women's mate preferences shift towards more masculine and symmetrical men during ovulation, indicating a preference for good genes. However, larger studies have failed to replicate these findings, casting doubt on the idea of dual mating strategies. The mate switching hypothesis, where women may engage in affairs during ovulation, is considered a more likely explanation.
Long-Term vs. Short-Term Cheating, Concealment
Long-term vs. Short-term Cheating, Concealment
Women tend to have affairs with one person and become emotionally involved over time, while men have affairs with multiple partners, making long-term affairs impossible.
In the digital age, it is easier to meet people online but also easier to get caught due to the availability of phone information, text messages, and video cameras everywhere.
Emotional & Financial Infidelity
- Emotional infidelity involves falling in love with someone else and sharing intimate information with them
- Financial infidelity involves being emotionally, physically, and financially tied to someone other than your partner
- Men are more focused on sexual infidelity, while women are more upset by emotional infidelity
- Financial infidelity, such as hiding credit cards or secret bank accounts, is prevalent among both sexes
- Infidelity should not be limited to sexual acts, as emotional and financial aspects are also important
Contraception
Contraception plays a crucial role in romantic relationships, as arguments often revolve around its use. This relates to paternity, pregnancy, and disease prevention, with possible evolutionary roots in our brain. The use of condoms can be seen as a more intimate act, but it is unlikely that we have specific adaptations for them. Before condoms, the withdrawal method was used, although it was not effective.
Status & Mating Success
The most profound aspect of the topic of status and mating success is the reciprocal link between the two, where having mating success can lead to higher status, and higher status can lead to more mating success.
Key points:
- Humans select and keep romantic partners based on status in both short and long-term relationships.
- Men are attracted to women with a low waist-hip ratio due to reasons such as higher fertility and lower age.
- Higher status individuals have access to a wider pool of potential mates, leading to the strive for status.
- Having a desirable mate can increase one's status, as it is assumed that they must have high status and wealth.
Jealousy, Mate Value Discrepancies, Vigilance, Violence
Jealousy, Mate Value Discrepancies, Vigilance, and Violence in Romantic Relationships:
- Jealousy is an evolved emotion that serves adaptive functions, including paternity certainty.
- Jealousy is activated by threats to the relationship, such as cues of infidelity or emotional distance.
- Mate value discrepancies can trigger jealousy in romantic relationships.
- Jealousy can lead to a range of behaviors, from increased vigilance to violence.
- Intimate partner violence is prevalent and often used to reduce perceived mate value discrepancies.
- Violence can lower mate value by injuring physical appearance and causing concealment.
- Predictors of violence include cutting off relationships and sequestering partners.
- Under-reporting of women physically abusing men may occur due to bias and shame.
- Motivations for violence vary, with sexual jealousy triggering attacks from men and self-defense from women.
- Reduction of perceived mate value discrepancy is a key factor in male-initiated violence.
Specificity of Intimate Partner Violence
Intimate partner violence has a specific nature depending on certain circumstances. Key points include:
- Pregnant women are more vulnerable to physical violence, particularly if the man suspects he is not the father.
- Violence in these cases is often directed towards the woman's abdomen, with the aim of terminating the pregnancy by a rival male.
- The violence is intended to sequester the woman and prevent infidelity or defection from the relationship.
Mate Retention Tactics: Denigration, Guilt, Etc.
Mate retention tactics in romantic relationships involve denigration, guilt, and psychological manipulation to reduce mate value discrepancy. These tactics aim to constrain behavior and manipulate perceptions of mate value to protect one's own interests. Evolutionary aspects of mate selection, such as paternity and resource allocation, are also discussed, along with a brief mention of the dark triad.
Narcissism, Machiavellianism, Psychopathy
The dark triad, consisting of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy, is characterized by grandiosity, manipulation, and a lack of empathy. Men tend to score higher on these traits than women. Individuals with high dark triad traits engage in sexual harassment, coercion, and violence, often due to a biased perception of sexual interest. They are responsible for the majority of sexual violence acts and high-profile cases like Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein exhibit these traits. Stalking is also associated with the dark triad.
Stalking
Stalking is a behavior motivated by a desire to maintain or interfere with a romantic relationship. It is more common in men, with 80% of stalkers being male. Stalking can scare off potential partners and disrupt the victim's attempts to form new relationships. Stalkers may use veiled threats of surveillance to psychologically harass their targets.
- Stalking is often driven by a mate value discrepancy, where the stalker believes they cannot find an equivalent partner.
- Only about 15% of the time does stalking work to re-establish a relationship.
- Stalking involves a large difference in mate value, with the stalker typically being lower in value.
- Stalking is sometimes used as a desperate measure to win back the victim, but it is not always successful.
Influence of Children on Mate Value Assessments
Having children generally decreases a woman's mate value because they are seen as a cost rather than a benefit. Step families often experience conflict due to this evolutionary perspective. However, there are cases where having children can be a benefit, such as when both partners have children from previous relationships and share custody. Overall, having young and financially dependent children tends to decrease both a woman's and a man's mate value.
- Having children is generally seen as a cost rather than a benefit in mate value assessments.
- Step families often experience conflict due to the evolutionary perspective that children are a cost.
- Having children can be a benefit in cases where both partners have children from previous relationships and share custody.
- Having young and financially dependent children tends to decrease both a woman's and a man's mate value.
Attachment Styles, Mate Choice & Infidelity
The most profound aspect of the text is how early childhood attachment to parents can influence mate choice later in life.
- Neural circuits for attachment in childhood are repurposed for other forms of attachment in adulthood.
- Different attachment styles (secure, avoidant, anxious) impact the stability of long-term partner choice.
- Secure attachment styles are conducive to long-term relationships.
- Avoidant attachment styles struggle with intimacy and have a higher probability of infidelity.
- Anxious attachment styles can lead to clinginess and dependency.
- "Relationship load" refers to the baggage individuals bring to a relationship.
- Frequency of demand for immediate text message responses can play a role in relationships, especially for individuals with higher levels of anxiety.
The video also discusses the concept of stabilizing one's own internal milieu and the potential impact of immediate response to texts on insecure individuals. There is mention of a rare circumstance where someone trains their potential partners to be comfortable with variable response latency, but they themselves are not comfortable with it.
Non-Monogamy, Unconventional Relationships
Summary: Non-monogamy and unconventional relationships, such as polyamory, are becoming more prevalent. These relationships aim to bypass traditional aspects of mate choice and sexual partner selection. Polyamory is motivated by different factors for men and women. Men are driven by a desire for sexual variety, while women may agree to a polyamorous relationship as a tactic to retain their partner.
- Non-monogamy and unconventional relationships, like polyamory, are on the rise.
- These relationships challenge traditional ideas of mate choice and sexual partner selection.
- Polyamory is motivated by different factors for men and women.
- Men are driven by a desire for sexual variety.
- Women may agree to polyamory to retain their partner.
The video discusses non-monogamous and unconventional relationships, highlighting the complexity of human mating psychology. It explores how individuals in these relationships navigate sexual jealousy and emotional connections with multiple partners. Different couples have different rules and boundaries, with some allowing sexual encounters but not emotional connections, and vice versa. The goal is to satisfy desires for sexual variety while managing feelings of jealousy.
- Non-monogamous relationships involve navigating sexual jealousy and emotional connections with multiple partners.
- Couples in these relationships have different rules and boundaries.
- Some allow sexual encounters but not emotional connections, and vice versa.
- The goal is to satisfy desires for sexual variety while managing feelings of jealousy.
The video discusses non-monogamy and unconventional relationships. It highlights that in polyamorous relationships, couples often set specific and arbitrary constraints on their relationships, which are agreed upon through communication. The discussion also touches on the role of pornography in satisfying evolved sexual desires, particularly for men who consume it more than women. The availability and intensity of online pornography can potentially wire the brain to observe sexual acts rather than engage in them, which can be problematic, especially for young people.
- In polyamorous relationships, couples set specific and arbitrary constraints on their relationships.
- These constraints are agreed upon through communication.
- Pornography plays a role in satisfying evolved sexual desires, especially for men.
- Online pornography can wire the brain to observe sexual acts rather than engage in them, which can be problematic, especially for young people.
Mate Value Self Evaluation, Anxiety About the Truth
The topic of the video is mate value self-evaluation and anxiety about the truth.
Key points:
- People assess their own value in terms of finding and maintaining a relationship.
- Self-esteem can be an indicator of mate value, but some people may overestimate or underestimate it.
- Consensual mate value exists, where a group of people can agree on attractiveness level, but there are also individual differences.
- Individuals have different preferences and priorities when selecting partners, leading to individual differences in mate value.
- Accurately assessing mate value is challenging due to the complexity of factors involved.
- Mate value includes components such as physical attractiveness, kindness, emotional stability, and health status.
- Fear of rejection can lead to mating anxiety, causing individuals to avoid approaching potential partners.
- Cognitive behavioral desensitization can help overcome mating anxiety.
- Self-deception-based deception is briefly mentioned.
Self Deception
Self-deception is the act of deceiving oneself rather than others. It is believed that successful deception is facilitated by self-deception, as individuals who truly believe in something are more effective at convincing others of it. People often take others at their word and use displays of self-confidence as a cue to their abilities. This can lead to overestimations and underestimations, such as with narcissism. Confidence can influence perceptions of competence and future success. Self-deception can lead to not needing to vet information as carefully and people high on psychopathy can be effective deceivers.
The Future of Evolutionary Psychology & Neuroscience
The future of evolutionary psychology and neuroscience lies in their convergence and eventual merger. Key points discussed include:
- The convergence of evolutionary psychology and neuroscience.
- The caution in directly applying findings on polygamous versus monogamous behavior and the role of vasopressin to humans.
- The importance of understanding the neuroscience behind human behavior.
- Interest in collaborating on a brain imaging study, potentially on the topic of jealousy.
Books: When Men Behave Badly; The Evolution of Desire, Textbooks
The most profound aspect of the topic is the exploration of conflicts between the sexes in both mating market and within mating relationships, including deception, harassment, assault, violence, stalking, and coercion.
Key points of the topic include:
- Dr. David Buss has written several books on human mating and sexual conflict.
- "When Men Behave Badly" explores conflicts between the sexes in mating and relationships.
- Topics covered include deception in online dating, infidelity, coping with conflict, and aftermath of breakups.
- The book also delves into darker aspects of human mating, such as intimate partner violence, stalking, sexual harassment, and coercion.
- "The Evolution of Desire" provides an overview of human mating strategies, attraction, mate retention, serial mating, and causes of divorce.
- Dr. Buss has a textbook on evolutionary psychology.
- The books cover a wide range of topics including mating, survival problems, fears and phobias, kin and family, friendships, social hierarchy, warfare, and conflict between the sexes.
- Dr. Buss expresses interest in a research collaboration merging neuroscience and evolutionary psychology.
Concluding Statements, Zero-Cost Support: Subscribe, Sponsors, Patreon, Thorne
The most profound aspect of the text is the various ways to support the channel, including subscribing, leaving comments and suggestions, checking out sponsors, and supporting through Patreon.
- Viewers are encouraged to subscribe to the YouTube channel and leave comments and suggestions.
- Sponsors mentioned at the beginning of the podcast can be checked out for support.
- The podcast is available on Apple and Spotify, where listeners can leave reviews and provide feedback.
- There is a Patreon page where viewers can support the podcast at any level.
- The importance of high-quality supplements is discussed.
- Thorne is introduced as a trusted supplement company with precise ingredient amounts.
- Viewers can visit thorne.com/u/huberman to see the supplements the host takes and get a 20% discount on any of those supplements.
- The video titled "Dr. David Buss: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in Short & Long Term" discusses human mate selection and strategy.
- The speaker expresses gratitude for the viewers' interest in science.
- Thorne supplements are promoted with a 20% discount.